The Real Katie West

A difficulty with the internet is that no one can see how much you need them in any given moment.

Wed, 22 May 2013 18:34:19 -0400

A difficulty with the internet is that no one can see how much you need them in any given moment.

How I Choose My Lovers

Wed, 22 May 2013 12:55:38 -0400

I find them on subways reading books I have on my list of Books To Read. I find them at bars dancing more enthusiastically than anyone else; even if they can’t really dance. I find them in line at the grocery store on a Friday night buying cookie dough, milk and that’s it. I find them in the Canadian poetry section of bookstores. I find them at work, having great ideas and wearing seasonal socks. I find them on the internet, creating things that make me wish I had thought of it first.

When I sit beside them, they smile. They’re easy to talk to. Their intelligence surpasses my own. Their vocabulary makes me swoon. Their brilliance with words makes me start to imagine them naked. They make me smile at a frequency I feel is too much for any respectable person, so I bite my lip in an effort to stop. After half an hour in their presence, my lips are sore, and yet I still wouldn’t refuse their kiss.

The way they see the world is very different from the way I see it, and we can share our views and always our eyes get wider. They listen to me. (So very few people actually listen to me.) They make me laugh; I make them laugh. We are at a party and they say something so beyond everyone else’s scope with an ease that makes me lean into them hard. But they do it softly, and gently, so no one feels inferior, instead we all feel better for having heard it. They argue with a grace that moves me. Between their legs. They are collaborative. They are receptive to constructive criticism. They think honesty is the best policy.

They touch me gently in all the right places at all the right times in ways that only make me imagine them touching me roughly in all the right places at all the right times. I mean, they place their hand on the small of my back as I walk through doors in front of them, which makes me think of their hand on the small of my back as I’m on all fours in front of them. They lean in and whisper things in my ear that are completely inappropriate at the absolute worst moments because they know it makes me crazy. They hold my hand like they mean it.

These are the sorts of people I choose as my lovers. You see how so much of what you fret about is non-existent in my process? Believe it’s true for others. And love you how I love you, okay?

Heartbreak

Tue, 21 May 2013 21:29:29 -0400

Such a violent thing, the breaking of a heart. And yet so easily dismissed and the pain never validated and we feel guilty for lying in bed, crying, for days, or weeks. We can’t call in sick to work. We can’t go to a doctor to set that broken thing inside us. There’s no medication to be prescribed to help us recover. They tell us it takes time, we’ll get over it, but we have broken hearts. There are shards inside our chest cavities that cut whenever we breathe. There are jagged pieces floating through our blood, screaming against our soft, thin skin. There are splintered bits flung as far as our eyes, irritating them so they’re constantly red and watering; pushing against them and making us dread the light. The biggest chunks get lodged in our brains, forcing us to remember every promise that was broken and the exact way their lips shaped the words “I love you.” Our hearts are festering wounds infecting our bones, swelling our joints, making it impossible to move.

So much violence and we’re only given half-hearted sympathies and assurances that we’ll fall in love again someday.

Of course we will! We know that. But right now? Our hearts are broken and we ache. Isn’t there anything you can do for that?

damp and cool and deep

Mon, 20 May 2013 08:43:25 -0400

damp and cool and deep

Saw Sixto Rodriguez play to a packed house tonight at the...

Sun, 19 May 2013 00:29:13 -0400

Saw Sixto Rodriguez play to a packed house tonight at the Masonic Temple in Detroit. He’s a funny guy: “I just want to be treated like an ordinary legend.” Also, he said because he’s 70 he can give advice now: “Hate is too strong an emotion to waste on people you don’t like.” Also talked about ending violence against women, how free love is expensive, how Detroit is a city of victims, and he also has amazing arms for a 70-year-old man. Great show! #Rodriguez

And like this

Sat, 18 May 2013 00:14:47 -0400

And like this

I can’t sleep, even though I need to be up at 5 tomorrow. I’m...

Sat, 18 May 2013 00:03:40 -0400

I can’t sleep, even though I need to be up at 5 tomorrow. I’m going through old notes on my phone; most of them are like this.

"Laurie Penny’s Saudade There are more of us than you think, kicking off our high-heeled shoes to..."

Fri, 17 May 2013 22:14:40 -0400

“

Laurie Penny’s Saudade

There are more of us than you think, kicking off our high-heeled shoes to run and being told not so fast

The best minds of my generation consumed by craving, furious half naked starving-

Who ripped tights and dripping make up smoked alone in bedsits bare mattresses waiting for transfiguration.

Who ran half dressed out of department stores yelling that we didn’t want to be good and beautiful

Who glowing high and hopeful were the last to leave the gig our skin crackling with lust and sweat and pure music

Who wrote poetry on each other’s arms and cared more about fucking than being fuckable

Who worked until our backs stiffened and our limbs sang with the memory of misbehaviour that was what it was to be a woman

Who dared to dance until dawn and were drugged and raped by men in clean T-shirts and woke up scared and sore to be told it was our fault

Who swallowed bosses’ patronizing side-eyes stole away from violent broken boys in the middle of the night and vowed never again to try to fix the world one man at a time

Who slammed down the tray of drinks and tore off our aprons and aching smiles and went scowling out into the streets looking for change

Who stripped in dark rooms for strangers’ anodyne dollars because we wanted education and were told we were traitors

Who sat faces upturned to the glow of the network searching searching for strangers who would call us pretty

Who bared our breasts to hidden cameras and fought and fought and fought to be human

Who waited in grim hallways with synth-pop crackling over the speaker system for the doctor to call us clutching fistfuls of pamphlets calling us sluts whores murderers

Who crossed continents alone with knapsacks full of books bare limbs clear-eyed vision running running from the homes that held our mothers down

Who filled notebooks with gibberish philosophy and scraps of stories and cameras to prove we were there keeping our novels and the name of out children close to our hearts

Who were told all our lives that we were too loud too tisky too fat too ugly too scruffy too selfish too much too and refused to take up less space refused to be still refused refused refused to be tame

Who would never be still. Who would never shut up. Who were punished for it and spat and snarled and they shook the bars of our cages until they snapped and they called us wild and crazy and we laughed with mouths open hearts open hands open and would never not ever be tame.

Sara, I’m with you in hospital, in the narroe rooms where you have put off your veil to count your ribs through your T-shirt, short hair and secrets and quiet defiance crying together that we don’t know how to be perfect-

Lara, I’m with you in mandatory art therapy, where we draw pictures of weeping cocks and are told we are not making progress-

Lila, I’m with you in a north London bathdroom, watchhing unreal maggots crawl in the cuts in your arms and listening to your girlfriend drunk and raging through the wall-

Andy, I’m with you in Bethnal Green where you love ambitious angry women with heart brain pen fingers tongue and you have a line from Nietzche tattooed over your cunt-

Adele, I’m with you in the student occupation, with your lipstick and cloche hat and teenage lisp drawling that there’s not enough fucking in this revolution and we must take action-

Kay, I’m with you on the night bus, half drunk and high dragging bright-eyed boys home to our bed, where we watch them worn out sleeping and whisper that we will never be married-

Katie, I’m with you in Zuccotti Park, where a broken heart is less important than a broken laptop is less important than a broken future and we watch the cops beating kids bloody on the pavement for daring to ask for more-

Tara, I’m with you in Islington where you have thrown all your pretty dresses out of the window and flushed your medication so you can write and write-

Alex, I’m with you and a bottle of Scotch at two in the morning when you tell me that no man will make us live for ever and we must seduce the city the country the world-

We are always hungry.

There are more of us than you think.

”

- Laurie Penny’s Saudade, from Fifty Shades of Feminism (via mollycrabapple)

thefrogman: Infinite Nap by Claire Jarvis [website | tumblr |...

Fri, 17 May 2013 20:53:56 -0400

thefrogman:

Infinite Nap by Claire Jarvis [website | tumblr | twitter]

GPOY every day

We’re relieved in each other’s absence as much as each...

Fri, 17 May 2013 12:12:02 -0400

We’re relieved in each other’s absence as much as each other’s presence. Holding you inside of me feels just as important as not knowing when I’ll see you again.

It’s time!!! #startrek

Thu, 16 May 2013 15:47:38 -0400

It’s time!!! #startrek

I feel a lot better about life now. #startrek

Wed, 15 May 2013 17:42:30 -0400

I feel a lot better about life now. #startrek

wilwheaton: jenniferdeguzman: He said Star Trek is too...

Wed, 15 May 2013 17:18:45 -0400

wilwheaton:

jenniferdeguzman:

He said Star Trek is too “philosophical”? Screw that noise.

mechcanuck:

I don’t know when this interview happened but I AM SAD AND ANGRY NOW

The philosophies in Star Trek are kinda part of the actual setting. If you don’t get that, why are you allowed to make Star Trek movies.

Sigh. The whole point of Star Trek is that it’s philosophical. If you don’t want philosophical Science Fiction, there’s plenty of that for you to enjoy, but Star Trek is philosophical. Philosophy is part of Star Trek’s DNA, and if you’re given the captain’s chair, you’d better damn well respect that.

Yesterday I started watching all of TNG in order from the beginning (which I’ve never done before *gasp*) and I also had a conversation with Matt about J.J. Abrams and his “style” and Star Wars for about an hour. And my point is just…what Wil said.

Tue, 14 May 2013 10:25:34 -0400

strangelycompelling:

“Floating” © R James Frith. Model: Katie West

SC | FB

Well now. This is from a very long time ago.

missfayedaniels: Katie West and I - Summer 2011 Ladies,...

Tue, 14 May 2013 02:43:37 -0400

missfayedaniels:

Katie West and I - Summer 2011

Ladies, I’m a professional.

Then, Now, Then

Mon, 13 May 2013 16:19:00 -0400

All the things I did as a teenager I remember so well and they are all the things that have seemed to stick to me as I get older. My favourite band in high school is still my favourite band now. My favourite writers are still my favourite. The movies that affected me most, still affect me. Teenage years are like this strange time-trap where emotions and personal preferences are formed and harden, somewhere in our minds and our souls, to remain forever unchanged throughout the rest of our lives. It is both terrifying and hilarious to realize this. But also soothing to be able to put on Disintegration and feel the way I felt when I was 17: untouchable and limitless.

I think it’s because when we are young, everything is infinite, and we are invincible. Time goes by slow; summers last forever as we experience a myriad of firsts—first broken bone, first crush, first album purchase, first kiss, first job, first concert, first love. We think time moves slow because it moves for us, when we let it. But then more time passes and we realize time is moving now without our permission. We’re doing the things we’ve always done, experiencing everything for the hundredth time. And it turns out we’re not invincible. In realizing this there is a great fear, and a great comfort. We are no longer the first of anything, but we will also never be alone. The amount of things we can experience for the first time dwindles, but we can also share more with others. I am afraid of not being first, but I am relieved that no one needs me to be.

All the things I do now. seem less important and more crammed together. One thing after another to get done, or accomplish, or just get through. There are new bands, writers, and movies, but I tend to move around them instead of through them. The way I’m describing it makes it seem as though there are fewer emotions involved in how my adult years are progressing, but I think it’s more a matter of how those same emotions are processed: quietly and with restraint.

I am both happier and sadder now than I was when I was first discovering The Cure and Joyce Carol Oates. I am more comfortable with forgiving myself for the choices I’ve made, but much more uncomfortable with the general shittiness of the whole world. I find it easier to genuinely enjoy things and certain people, while finding it difficult to hope for a successful future (for both myself and this shitty world). I am happy that I have become better at expressing myself and communicating, but sad that I’ve become more afraid of doing it.

Going forward to a future version of myself and asking her if she is still both happy and sad, if she is still afraid of not being first, or if she still loves listening to Disintegration; or alternatively, going back to my teenage self and assuring her she will always value these firsts, strengthen her against future fears, or warn her about the impending magnification of world shittiness would require me believing that either the past can be changed or the future can be predicted and neither of these things can happen.

I’ve been thinking recently of switching to the funeral services industry and as a result, I’ve been reading about/learning about/thinking about death more than I usually do and I keep playing this scene over in my head. I’m in a hypothetical interview for a position with a funeral home and I’m asked the question, “What do you believe happens to you when you die?” And I reply, without hesitation, “Nothing happens when you die. You’re just dead.”

View Post

This masterpiece is copyright @swinterstein who created it while...

Mon, 13 May 2013 11:25:44 -0400

This masterpiece is copyright @swinterstein who created it while sick in bed and texting @bfo_. It is so amazing that I had to post it so more people could see it. @swinterstein is kind of amazing, right?

burningfp: littleorphanammo: colchrishadfield: With deference...

Sun, 12 May 2013 21:15:03 -0400

burningfp:

littleorphanammo:

colchrishadfield:

With deference to the genius of David Bowie, here’s Space Oddity, recorded on Station. A last glimpse of the World.

Huge thanks in the making of the video to the talented trio of Emm Gryner, Joe Corcoran and Andrew Tidby, plus Evan Hadfield and all at the CSA.

Chris is coming back to earth and I totally got all fucking crying boohoo when I watched this because FEELINGS OK?

Yup

This is the most amazing thing.

Happy Mother’s Day! My mom and me and my nana.

Sun, 12 May 2013 14:20:20 -0400

Happy Mother’s Day! My mom and me and my nana.

Oh hey, no big deal. Just me with one of my internet heroes...

Sat, 11 May 2013 14:00:03 -0400

Oh hey, no big deal. Just me with one of my internet heroes @fuckyeaherikamoen. And she’s the loveliest and dealt with my awkwardness with such grace!

The Real Katie West

A difficulty with the internet is that no one can see how much you need them in any given moment.

How I Choose My Lovers

Heartbreak

damp and cool and deep

Saw Sixto Rodriguez play to a packed house tonight at the...

And like this

I can’t sleep, even though I need to be up at 5 tomorrow. I’m...

"Laurie Penny’s Saudade There are more of us than you think, kicking off our high-heeled shoes to..."

thefrogman: Infinite Nap by Claire Jarvis [website | tumblr |...

We’re relieved in each other’s absence as much as each...

It’s time!!! #startrek

I feel a lot better about life now. #startrek

wilwheaton: jenniferdeguzman: He said Star Trek is too...

strangelycompelling: “Floating” © R James Frith. Model: Katie...

missfayedaniels: Katie West and I - Summer 2011 Ladies,...

Then, Now, Then

This masterpiece is copyright @swinterstein who created it while...

burningfp: littleorphanammo: colchrishadfield: With deference...

Happy Mother’s Day! My mom and me and my nana.

Oh hey, no big deal. Just me with one of my internet heroes...